


Denial Of Death

by primaryglitch



Series: Of Angels, of Lilin [2]
Category: Neon Genesis Evangelion
Genre: M/M
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2019-05-30
Updated: 2019-05-30
Packaged: 2020-03-29 19:08:54
Rating: Not Rated
Warnings: Major Character Death, Underage
Chapters: 1
Words: 1,173
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/19026112
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/primaryglitch/pseuds/primaryglitch
Summary: Grief and guilt consume Shinji on the beaches of Old Tokyo.





	Denial Of Death

**Author's Note:**

> Please heed the tags  
> Trigger warnings: attempted suicide and drowning, implied underage

It had been hours since the sun had set. Leaving Misato's apartment with her felt like a distance memory. Making their way to the beaches of Old Tokyo was nonexistent. However, the memory of her cutting words were as fresh as his current wounds. He could not tell if they had been directed towards him or Kaworu, neither could he bring himself to defend either of them; He was too tired, too defeated. All he had left was a confession of love that was too late.

She had left some time ago, out disgust or pity or empathy, he did not know. He couldn't bring himself to care, not anymore.

It was fitting that the beach of Old Tokyo was a place heavy in his heart. The older generation perhaps would look wistfully out and remember what had been, what could have been. Shinji was no different. Kaworu would always haunt him here, pull him to the spot he had found the angel humming his joy when Shinji only wanted to drown his despair. At the time Kaworu had pulled him away from the water with his tune, enchanting him with the mysteries of the boy more so than the lure of release. It was only fitting that he who delivered him from despair would return him to such.

The waves lapped gently at his shoes. Shinji could barely recall anything besides Kaworu. His voice was in the wind, like a cruel song that cursed him to remember. Their meeting, their time together, his death- no, his murder. His hands stained with the blood of his angel, mocking him for his weakness and vulnerablity. These beaches would always be haunted, a physical manifestation of his turbulent emotions. But it was as if he was always here, on the beaches of Old Tokyo with his angel, if he had never left. As if time had stalled when he had laid eyes on Kaworu. If only it had.

Shinji torn his eyes from the water, not knowing his strength to resist its allure much longer. Not even knowing if that's what he even came here to do. It would be so easy to breathe in he as if he was in that dreaded entry plug, water flooding his lungs instead of LCL. Would it burn? Would he struggle? Or would the promise of what's to come be calming, overwhelming his innate instincts to fight? Would he even need the water to deprive him of oxygen or could he simply stop breathing where he stands- ready to accept the freedom of death as Kaworu was? 

Ode to joy rang out through this mind, his SDAT rewinding and repeating. 

Would the darkness of death be soft and warm like that of the womb? Even if it was cold and vase, death felt kind to Shinji. Always waiting, ready to greet him, always there for him.

Shinji considered himself intimately acquainted with the concept of loss. He had lost his mother, his father had left him. He lost his Rei, then even Asuka. Misato seemed far off, in a distant world- so he had lost her in that respect. But nothing prepared him for Kaworu. It was a visceral pain like his heart was being ripped out. Of gaining when he felt he had nothing to possibly gain, of gaining what seemed impossible and then losing who had become most precious to him- and now knew he truely had nothing left to lose. 

Perhaps it was because it was he who truly learned to love, not the angel. It was him who had fallen for the angel, because who could not? Not with his soft smile, his gentle guiding hands and the patient adoring voice like the song of the immortal crane - it was all too good to be true. He should have known. No human could be so kind and loving. Not to someone like him, never to him. But when Kaworu looked at him like he was something precious, he couldn't deny him. With the full power of the Eva at his disposal, with Yui finally embracing him, he still could not save his lover. Instead, he chose the ultimate sin to kill. 

Gods who shit indeed. 

He increased the volume. Ode to joy echoes in his ears drowning out all other sounds, its crescendo flattening out to a softer melody. Shinji took an unsteady step toward water, now lapping against his ankles. It would be so easy. So easy to end it all. Leave the fate of lilin to some else, even if doom them. They had never done anything for him anyways. 

As if a leap of fate, Shinji rushed forward, the cold waves rise to this chest. His water lodged clothes tugged him down. Miraculously his SDAT still functioned, the soft music urging him forward once more. He was not one to resist. He felt calm, as calm as he felt since Kaworu left him. Sure in his decision, he let his knees buckle and breathed in one last time.

The waves overtook him, completely dragging him under. Instead of the instinctual urge to hold his breath, Shinji breathed in. The Eva had made him less human in that respect, the LCL conditioning him. His lungs burned and felt heavy in his chest and his eyes shot open. The pain was immediately, but he did not panic. His mortality fully within grasp, his life at its end, yet he did not panic. He acted against human nature, and breathed in again.

His mind fuzzed over and all he could think of was Kaworu. Was he waiting for him? Was he the invisible force that urged him forward? No, Kaworu had wanted him to live, to continue fighting. But it was so hard, so cruel and unlike Kaworu to ask. But even now that soft voice urges him to live, told him to live. But he was helpless, he could not. Living was painful, existing without Kaworu was horrible. He did not want to be in this world without his beloved.

But that soft voice would not give up, its gentle words telling him to live. It getting more frantic as Shinji's consciousness faded, asking- no begging him to live. 

Shinji was in too much pain for this to be death, was it hell? Shinji cracked his eyes open and saw the sand, the waves, the broken city before him. He let out a sob, one thing was missing, that would always be missing- Kaworu.

Yes, hell indeed.

Shinji lungs begged for him to cough, but he resisted. He deserved to hurt, to suffer, he had not earned the release of death. But neither did he deserve the chance to live and love when Kaworu did not, when he had forsaken him and robbed him of the chance.

Instead, he stood up and stared into the advancing gulf of Tokyo. The sun had risen, and there Shinji stood soaking wet and with an aching heart. Unfortunately, he had failed once again. He still existed.

**Author's Note:**

> The title and many of the themes come from Ernest Becker's Denial of Death.
> 
> In a way, Shinji is forced to be "immortal" while Kaworu choices to be mortal.
> 
> Also how other characters and lilin are represented are a result of Shinji's mind's state rather than a more objective view.


End file.
